It's be a long time...

Things have certainly changed since October whenever I last updated. Oops. Well, first big change- I'm not pregnant anymore! (Duh, given that it's almost mid December!)

Our little bit, Lilliann Ruth, arrived on November 21st, at 4:29am- she's a night owl like her momma. I went in to labor on my own- my biggest fear this whole pregnancy was that I would have to be induced again like I was with DS, and wouldn't have at least the chance to attempt a natural, drug free childbirth. That didn't happen, b/c I'm a pansy and couldn't hack it, but at least it was on my own terms, not b/c I had a ton of Pitocin being pumped into me. But, I get ahead of myself! I guess I should first share Lily's birth story, from the beginning (which may be a little TMI, but, what about birth isn't TMI, really?)...

The 20th was my last day of work- couldn't have been better timing! It was amusing that day, because we actually had a fire alarm pulled at school due to a small oven fire, and when the fire brigade showed up, several co-workers and I joked that now would be a perfect time for me to go into labor- little did I know, I would that day! I felt good all day, and when I got home from school, was even feeling a little on the frisky side and decided to have some fun with my hubby. I'm not sure if this is what officially broke my water or what. I fell asleep for a few hours, and when I woke up, noticed that things were awfully juicy. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed that the "discharge" was pink tinged, and still wasn't sure if it was my water that had broken, or if I'd irritated my cervix or something. Once I started walking around the house, and had filled a pad within about 10 minutes, I knew that it indeed, was my water that had broken.

It was about 6pm about this time, and I knew I was in for a long night- I wanted to make sure I got something to eat, because I knew I wasn't getting anything once I was at the hospital. We went to a local Japanese steakhouse with my sister, and during dinner, I finally started noticing contractions- they weren't painful, but literally took my breath away- it felt like someone was squeezing the air out of my lungs each time! They were about 7 minutes apart the entire time we were at the restaurant. My husband was worried about going somewhere that would take so long to eat- he was like, are you sure you don't want to go somewhere faster? But I knew as long as the contractions weren't painful, I probably wasn't anywhere near delivering, so I wasn't in a hurry to get to the hospital. Around 8, as we were headed home to meet my father in law, who was picking up Aiden to watch while we were at the hospital, I finally called my midwife and let her know my water had broken. She said as long as the contractions weren't painful, I was ok to labor at home another hour or two, but that she wanted us in by 10.

So, we went home, I finished packing up the hospital bag with last minute things, and posted to Facebook and the Bump that I was in labor and that Lily would soon be making her appearance. The whole time, I was calmly excited, cool and collected- totally not how I thought I'd be when I went into labor! Steve wasn't freaking out, necessarily, but you could tell he was antsy to get to the hospital- I don't think he wanted to deliver his own child!

Finally around 9:30, we made our way over to the hospital- we were in triage by 10:30, but didn't make it into a delivery room until almost midnight. The whole time I was in triage, the contractions were still very mild, but pretty much the second we got to the delivery room, they started to get a little more painful. We walked around for about 45 minutes, before I had to come back to the room for intermittent monitoring. After that, I found myself in a rocking chair, rocking in between contractions and gripping the arms of the chair for dear life during them. I kept trying to relax my body and breathe through the contractions... but this, my friends, is much easier said than done. By the time they checked in on me again at about 2am, I was shivering when I wasn't contracting, felt like I was going to puke, and my contractions felt like they were one on top of another, even though the monitor said they were still 3 minutes apart- apparently time does not follow normal rules while in labor. The nurse checked me, and got my hopes up by saying she thought I was fully dilated- my midwife came in and gave me the reality that I was still at 6cm, but that she thought I was entering the transition stage of labor.

Damn all the research I'd done at this point, because instead of my peppy cheerleader rooting me on "you're in the last stage! You can do it!", my evil internal cheerleader starts jeering at me "This could still last another 3 hours! The Ring of Fire is yet to come! You can't do this! Get the epi!". The evil cheerleader won. About 15 minutes after the midwife stepped out, while gripping on to the bedrails as though they would help somehow, I finally blurted out "I want an epi!".

Of course, it took the anesthesiologist almost a half hour to finish up with another patient, and then a good 20 minutes to get my epi in... then, it only worked on the right side of my body, so she had to put in more... then my ass was still not numb and I could feel contractions there (though comparatively less, so I probably could have hacked that much pain- would that still have counted for a natural childbirth?) so in went more meds... I went from being able to wiggle my toes to being completely numb waist down. I'd had an epi with Aiden as well, so I knew what it should feel like- this time I wasn't able to feel a thing when the time came to push, whereas last time, I could vaguely feel the pressure of the contractions and the pressure of the baby.

So, it's around 3am at this point in time, I've worked since 7am, and am pretty well exhausted from my 3 hours of painful contractions, so what else does one do? I took a nap! When I woke up, to my surprise, the nurse checked me and announced that this time, I really WAS fully dilated and that she could feel the baby's head and that it was time to push! I was actually rather astounded- if I'd known it was only going to be another hour, I so would have skipped the epi. But, hindsight is 20/20, and we all know I have shitty eyesight anyway, so it is what it is. They got the room set up, woke up my husband (who I thought at first was just going to sleep through the whole thing, b/c I called his name 3 times before he woke up!) and next thing I knew, I was pushing! Four contractions and twelve pushes later... Lilliann Ruth joined the world, and she was (is!) just beautiful!

We got to sit and stare at her for a good hour, getting to know her, before I finally gave her up to the nurse to weigh and measure her before nursing her the first time. She clocked in at 7lb 12.5 oz, and 20inches long- a good lb less than her brother, but only an inch shorter. She has the longest fingers I've seen on a baby- Everyone in my family says she'll be a pianist, I say she'll be a good volleyball player! She latched right on when it came time to nurse (not perfectly, and that is still a work in progress, but, it's working for us!), and at the end of the day, any regrets I had about getting the epi evaporated, because I was just completely smitten and in love.

Brother Aiden was, unfortunately, not able to meet her at the hospital, as they weren't allowing anyone under 17 to visit due to the lovely famed H1N1. We called him in the morning to tell him that he was officially a big brother, and he was the reason we busted out of the hospital as soon as they would let us go- we missed him, and our little family just wasn't complete without him! That, and who can get any sleep in the hospital?

Fast forward 3 weeks later... Lily has just about outgrown her newborn clothes, and is ready to move up to the next size- same with newborn diapers. She eats like a champ (sometimes too well- I'll swear I've just fed her and she's off and rooting again!), is in generally really happy and easy going, and sleeps well. I chalk the good sleep up to having her sleep in our room and bed with us- she snuggles next to me at night for the most part, wakes to eat once at 3, then again at 7, and lets me sleep in till about 10 (her brother, different story!). She's met almost the entire family- the only people she's not yet met are my grandmother and aunt and uncle, and she'll get to meet them at Christmas. Everyone is, of course, totally in love with her- what's not to love!

We've not remained holed up in the house like apparently everyone thinks we should- I'm 99% sure we all had H1N1 back in August, so I'm not worried about her getting it- she'll either have immunity from the womb, or from my breastmilk, so we're good either way. Plus, no one in our household is good at the being cooped up for long thing, DS especially.

New things I like this time around that I didn't do with DS and wish I had- co sleeping, baby wearing, and being way more confident about my parenting abilities and not worrying so much. It's rather nice.

I have a baby sleeping on my arm right now, which makes posting pictures slightly difficult- next post will be purely pictures! And hopefully won't be two months from now!

Bad blog mommy...

So, I've been very neglectful of updating the ol' blog lately. I is busy, that's my excuse, and I'm stickin' to it! However, I'm getting bigger, finally! Though everyone still can't believe I'm as far along as I am, and when I tell them I'm 34 weeks, they're astonished! I never got huge with Aiden though, and guess I'm just not one of those women who get really large when I'm pregnant. Works for me- I can still tie my shoes, paint my toenails, and shave my legs. Happy day!

All that said, in three weeks, I am ready for this kid to come whenever she is ready! I'm really voting on the she needs to come early end- Mommy needs a break from work. Maternity leave, while I know how much work a newborn is, seriously and truly looks like a beach vacation in comparison to my job right now.

I thought it'd be interesting to take a look back- I think this first pic is from 18w or so... the bottom one is from yesterday. Quite a change!

How far along: 34w.

Total weight gain: 197. I was all excited at 20w b/c that's what I weighed. I'm the only pregnant woman in the world who cannot gain wait. I should be a freak show.

How much does baby weigh: I dunno. A couple of pounds by now, I'd imagine.

Maternity clothes: Had to buy some new ones- weather got too cold!

Stretch marks: Getting tired of this question- just going to leave up this standard answer- had 'em for years. Am over it.

Sleep: What's sleep again? Every time I roll over, I wake up b/c my belly hurts!

Best moment this week: Realizing just how close to the end I am!

Movement: Yep. She moves. A lot. It hurts.

Food cravings: Sweets, and in general, any food I'm not supposed to eat much of. Figures.

Belly button in or out: Still an innie, but it might actually pop this time. We'll see!

What I miss: Sleep. Being able to drink a whole bottle of wine to myself.

What I'm looking forward to: Meeting this little one!

Milestone: 34w- 3 weeks until I'm full term!

It's been awhile...

School is back in full force and kicking my butt, so it's been awhile since I've posted. Whomever thought it was a great idea to put a teacher who won't be at school for almost 1/3 of the year in a new subject matter that is crucial for our state test scores.... Needless to say, I'm stressed. Any other year, I'd have loved the challenge and been up for it, but this year, I just feel completely overwhelmed. I just feel like I have this ticking time bomb that is my belly, and that this kid could come whenever, and that I won't have everything prepared and ready for my leave by the time she does. I don't know why I have this feeling she's coming early- I just do. Which worries me even more, because you know what they say about mother's intuition. I guess I don't mind if she comes a week or two early... but I'm terrified it will be even earlier. And the stress I'm under from my job isn't going to help that matter any!
Since work wasn't stressful enough... I got diagnosed with gestational diabetes this week. Joy. So, in the course of my insane day, I now have to find the time to eat two snacks at school, exercise at least 30 minutes (I've gotten a 15 minute walk in last night- I guess it's progress at least!) and just overall take better care of myself, because there is a direct link between stress and your body's ability to utilize insulin. I'm already having difficulty gaining weight, and getting yelled at by my dr for that. I just can't win!
Tell that to my boss. She had GD, and was "just fine" and I will be too... I love how she's my Dr and thinks she knows this. So, I've adopted a new mantra. I'm leaving work at 4pm. What's done, is done, what isn't, will get done later. I cannot continue staying there until 5 and 6 at night, and exhausting myself, even if that's what they're expecting of us this year. I physically, mentally and emotionally just cannot do it. And I hate to sound like the whiney pregnant lady who's using her pregnancy as an excuse- but you know what, if that's what I have to be, I will.
So, anyways, a few weeks worth of belly pics to wrap up my whine fest.




26ish weeks- I lost track of when I took this picture!

29 weeks- I really see no difference!

Nursery is officially FINISHED!

Phew! It was a lot of work, but it's done!

Sweet little birdies...

Are all over my house! Not real ones though- Lily's nursery, as though it has a mind of it's own, has suddenly taken on a bird theme, and I'm loving it! The bedding is almost finished- all I have left is the bumper, and it won't take long- I just have to get the motivation to get it finished. The fact that it's almost August and I want the nursery finished by then so I can start focusing on school should be motivation enough, one would think. I've made a few things for the walls (though the inspiration was found elsewhere- I saw cute prints on Etsy, but they weren't the colors I wanted for the room, and I figured I could make my own!) as well as purchased some things. Really, I'm at a point where I just need to finish hanging things, and I'll be done! Yay!

Last post, I promised a 21/22w belly picture, so I'll post that first, then post what I've got so far for the nursery- those pictures are more "pieces" that still need to be put together as a whole!

21/22 weeks

One of the little birdies I appliqued/embroidered for the dust ruffle

Crib Skirt

Wall art for above the crib- this is the final product inspired by a print I saw on Esty. Steve helped with the branches- apparently, I have a difficult time making branches look "real", but he did a great job, I think! My husband is so crafty... This is the same scrapbook paper I used on the wall letters below.

Wall Letters- just scrapbook paper modge podged onto pre-cut letters- these are going to go on a white floating shelf above the bookshelf/dresser, flanked by two smaller shelves that have a small clear polka dot vase with a daisy in it (again, thank you Ikea!)

A bigger view of the birdies that are on the center panel of the bumper

Our nursing/reading nook- the print above the chair I bought on Etsy. Too cute!

The corner opposite the glider, with a coordinating print also from Etsy, and my Ikea lampshade that started all this birdy nonsense!

It's a....

Little baby girl! Lilliann Ruth Zerkle is, so far, looking just perfect! I had an ultrasound last Thursday, where we found out the sex, and I have already spent an obscene amount of money on girly baby clothes- is it my fault that Kohls, Carter's and the Children's Place were all having great sales??? We have new pictures from the u/s, and as soon as I find time to get our printer hooked up downstairs in the new "office" (aka. the basement), I'll post them.

We've also gotten the nursery painted already- I'll get some pictures up soon. I texted a pic to my sisters after we got the first coat on, and their reactions? "Wow, that's bright," and "Pink." So this should give an idea of what we've got going on! Steve put up a chair rail, and I think it really sets the room off- my bright pink isn't quite as bold with a white border above and below it. I figure once the furniture is in, it won't be quite as noticeable anyways (though, don't get me wrong, it will still be bold!) since things will be in front of it. Now, all I have left to do is make the crib bedding, organize everything and determine what we still need, and finish decorating!

I also need to get an updated belly pic (do you see a trend here with me and pictures?!) But here's my (biweekly, it seems) update of how I'm doing!

How far along: 20w1d.
Total weight gain: I gained another whole pound! So I'm at 197 now. Yay me! All that ice cream is finally paying off.. lol
How much does baby weigh: Well, I have a cantaloupe this week, and at the u/s last week, the tech said she was 10 oz and 10 inches... not too shabby!
Maternity clothes: Yup, I'm in them.
Stretch marks: Getting tired of this question- just going to leave up this standard answer- had 'em for years. Am over it.
Sleep: Some nights, I sleep fine, others, not so much. My husband's snoring is about to kill me.
Best moment this week: Finding out that we're having a girl!
Movement: Feel movement pretty much every day now- some of those kicks are getting awfully forceful!
Food cravings: Still loving the carbs, ate pickles the first time the other night- they were pretty good, but not craveworthy...
Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!
What I miss: Getting an uninterrupted night's sleep. Good luck with that, I guess!
What I'm looking forward to: Getting the nursery finished and buying more baby stuff!
Milestone: 20w! I'm halfway there!!!

Just sittin', and hopin', and waitin', and lovin'...

In a week in a half, I can finally stop saying "he, she, it" in reference to the baby! The big u/s is scheduled for July 2 (again, right near a big day- this kid is going to have some flair, I tell you!) and I can't wait to find out what it is! I have an inkling (or maybe just a hope, who knows) that it is a girl, but obviously, we won't know a thing until next Thursday! Want to know why I think it might be a girl? At the 13w u/s, there was nothing "dangling" that the u/s tech could see. I took that silly Intelligender test, and even though I have PCOS and it said it would most likely read boy, it read girl! This pregnancy has been completely different from Aiden's- I've had much more morning sickness (still hasn't fully gone away, and I'm almost 1/2 through this pregnancy!), my face has broken out (and I hardly ever have breakouts, and had none with DS), and I've lost more weight this time and am not gaining it back very easily. I know that none of these things definitely mean it's a girl, but, one can hope and dream, right?



I even went so far as to buy this awesome lampshade I found at IKEA, which would make a perfect little girl's room (and I might have to figure out a way to make it work for a boy's room, if it's a boy- we'll see!) and have started searching for fabrics that I could use to create bedding and decor. I'm probably tempting fate to give me a boy by doing this, I am aware, but I couldn't help myself! If all else fails, I can always return it!



In other news, I got a phone call from my assistant principal at school today, telling me that I'm being switched from the high school to the middle school. I have mixed emotions about this. I'll be teaching 8th grade Language Arts (one regular ed class, one intervention). I enjoy LA, it being one of my favorite subjects myself in school, but am a bit overwhelmed knowing the amount of information I need to cover, and how it overlaps instead of being nice and sequential like the Social Studies curriculum is! I'm also not too excited about the knowledge that I'll be spending 2 bells in a row with my students- It's a lot of time to cover what we need to accomplish, but it also presents some interesting challenges in maintaining student interest and in classroom management. I was also looking forward to the fact that I had much of what I would need for my social studies classes already prepped, and now, I'll pretty much have to start from scratch- not exactly a fun task when you're tired and pregnant. Too, I'll have to do quite a bit of advanced prep and planning so that when I go on maternity leave, the sub will have enough material to cover that time. So much for a relaxing summer... I have this feeling you'll be seeing me pouring over curriculum maps and textbooks, trying to figure out what I'm going to be doing next fall! I'm also really going to miss my high school kids on my caseload- I've developed a close bond with them, and, with some of them, I'm slightly concerned about the teacher who is moving from middle school to my old post in the high school. I know one student in particular, who's had a great year with me, had a really rough time with her in the middle school, and she'll be both his case manager and his teacher. Poor kid. I'm going to try not to be one of those teachers who get all pissy about change- it happens, they obviously see me as a better fit in the middle school for some reason, and I'll take that as a compliment to my talents and abilities (though I think it's more the fact that they don't like the above mentioned teacher!). I just have to readjust my vision of what next year was going to be like, and suck it up and deal!



Well, here's my "update" and most recent belly picture- I'm finally starting to look pregnant instead of fat!

18 weeks!
How far along: Technically 17w6d, so 18 weeks.
Total weight gain: Am still at 196. Short of eating sticks of butter, I don't know what else I can do to start gaining weight. Oh well, if my Dr's aren't worried, I won't be either. We'll see what they say at my next appt if I still haven't gained anything.
How much does baby weigh: According to the Bump, I have a sweet potato growing in me. Aw, how cute!
Maternity clothes: Are heavenly!
Stretch marks: Getting tired of this question- just going to leave up this standard answer- had 'em for years.
Sleep: It's been hard to sleep the past few nights, partly because I got really sunburned this weekend. But sleeping in general is still not great. Guess my body's trying to get me ready for when this kid will be outside keeping me awake!
Best moment this week: Feeling a very subtle little kick on the outside while lying in bed last night- I was kind of pressing on my tummy, but I could feel a couple of kicks!
Movement: much more noticeable, but still not as often as I know it will be in a few weeks!
Food cravings: Spaghetti with butter and parmasean cheese. It wasn't nearly as yummy as it sounded once I actually made it and tried it.
Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!
What I miss: Getting an uninterrupted night's sleep. Good luck with that, I guess!
What I'm looking forward to: July 2nd! Can't wait to figure out what this little one is!
Milestone: No big ones as of yet!

Grow, belly (and baby), Grow!

So, in honor of the fact that I can now actually feel an actual baby bump in my tummy, I figured it's high time I did some belly pics. I'm not the littlest of girls, so I generally always look a little on the pregnant side, to be honest, but that's only if I'm not standing with good posture. I can no longer just suck in my pregnant gut, so I figure it is actually considered a bump now. So, here it is, my 15w belly!

How far along: 15w 3days


Total weight gain: Uh, so yeah, was at 198 last time... am back at 196. I'm eating, I'm doing all I can, but just don't seem to be gaining much weight yet. Oh well, still plenty of time!


How much does baby weigh: Dunno. Bump.com says it's an avocado this week. Mmmm, guacamole baby!


Maternity clothes: Bought some cute new ones last week- still don't look pregnant in them though!


Stretch marks: Getting tired of this question- just going to leave up this standard answer- had 'em for years.


Sleep: Still pretty tired, but not nearly as much as a few weeks ago. Just this week it's been getting uncomfortable to sleep on the belly- bought me a Snoogle, so I'm hoping that helps me sleep better!


Best moment this week: Noticing that I had an actual, true "bump" when lying down- baby has taken up residence just under my belly button!


Movement: Very, very subtle- subtle enough to make me think I'm just imagining it (but the doppler confirmed it, b/c I felt baby move same time as I heard it kick the doppler!)


Food cravings: Uhh... strawberries. Easy Cheese. Ice cream. And I saw the word pickles the other day, and just about opened the jar in the store, but by the time I got home, I didn't want a pickle anymore. Very random!


Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!


What I miss: Alcoholic beverages... It's going to suck not being able to drink this summer!


What I'm looking forward to: 20w ultrasound- can't wait to figure out what this little one is!


Milestone: Uh.. I'm over 1/3 of the way there? Nothing exciting at this moment!

Our little peanut!

It's about time for an update, and I have something great to add today! I had an ultrasound yesterday afternoon, and we got to see our little one again, finally looking like a baby rather than just a blip on the screen! When the ultrasound tech first put the probe on, the baby was still because he/she was sleeping. The tech wiggled the probe around a bit to wake her up, and we got some terrific shots! I only have one scanned as of right now, so I'll post it, but I'll probably add some of the others later!



Anyways, baby was measuring about 3 days ahead, which is fantastic (keep growing strong little one!!!). Everything looked good as far as we could tell! We asked the technician if she could check and see the gender and take a guess. She said that she'd been seeing a lot of little boy parts lately, but didn't see anything dangling on our little one! It's far to early to go out and buy pink, but I'm definitely excited at the prospect of having a little girl! We would SO be done with this babymaking nonsense if that is the case! Snip, snip, hubby!



Well, without further ado, here is our little one!

And, my "weekly" that is really not so weekly, seeing as how I haven't done it in 3 weeks update...
How far along: 13w 3days
Total weight gain: I'm starting to gain some weight back, finally. I was at 194 at my lightest, and the scale read 198 today, so 4 lbs so far?
How much does baby weigh: Not much, I'm sure- it's pretty tiny yet! The tech said he/she was 3 inches long though!
Maternity clothes: Have broken down and finally started wearing them- some of the pants that fit just right last week are definitely on the tight side this week!
Stretch marks: Oh, hell, I've had them since high school. I didn't need pregnancy to give me stretch marks!
Sleep: Still feel tired all the time, have been waking up a lot in the middle of the night, not to pee or anything, just randomly waking up. It's annoying!
Best moment this week: Getting to see our little one again!
Movement: None yet, though I feel my ute expanding, and sometimes feel flutteryness that I can't determine if it's just gas (probably) or actually movement. I know I'll probably feel it earlier this time, just b/c I know what I'm looking for!
Food cravings: No cravings, but I can FINALLY eat again! Meat doesn't make me want to hurl anymore!
Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!
What I miss: Alcoholic beverages... It's going to suck not being able to drink this summer!
What I'm looking forward to: Feeling the baby move- it will be so reassuring!
Milestone: Today is my first official day in the second trimester! I've made it past the biggest danger of miscarriage!

Happy Mother's Day!

What a difference a year makes! This has been a wonderful Mother's day, and while I received a wonderful gift from Aiden and Steve, and had a great breakfast with my family, and got to spend a little "me" time in the garden, those things aren't what made this day so great. What made this day fantastic is the knowledge that this year, rather than recovering from a D&C and the emotional pain of a miscarriage, I am instead carrying a baby that, God willing, is going to join our family in just 6 short months.

Last year was so difficult- I was not only mourning our most recent loss, but also the baby we had lost back in November. While I am eternally grateful for my sweet little man, and the blessing that God has given me to be able to be his mother, even today, I miss the two babies that God took with him to heaven. I don't think a Mother's day will ever pass that I won't think of Ethan and Hope. Hope would have been a year old in just a month... Ethan would have been 6 months.

One of my all time favorite character is Anne from Anne of Green Gables. In Anne's House of Dreams, she gives birth to a baby at dawn, but the baby doesn't make it, and passes away at dusk. While I have not lost a baby at full term, I can't imagine a more painful experince for a mother to have to go through. Yet, from that book, one quote stands out in my head that I keep dear to my heart- Anne, upon the birth of her second, healthy child, is told by a family member that "this baby will take place of the first". Anne replies that this baby is no replacement, but merely it's own person. She then goes on to say that she has followed her first baby through it's whole first year of life, watching her learn to sit up, and walk, and grow. I feel the same way about my babies- I will always have this vision of who they are to become in my mind, and I can watch them grow. When that day comes that I can see my babies in heaven, they won't be strangers to me, because I've been their mother, even though they're so far away.

So to all those mommies out there, whether your babies are in your arms, or just in your hearts, I wish the happiest of Mother's Day's to you.

I'm a bad blogger...

I haven't updated this since I got my positive pregnancy test! Now, in my defense, life has just been crazy and it's not been on my mind! But, I'll catch up on most of what has happened over the past month!

Beta's came back great- 167 at 13dpo, 485 at 15 dpo. Had an u/s at 6w1d, baby was measuring a day ahead. Had a second u/s at 8w1d, baby measured right on target and had a good strong heartbeat. My next appointment is this upcoming Friday, May 8th. I would like to say that since we've had two good u/s, I'm confident that all will be fine at that appointment. However, I'll be 11w, and 11w was when we got the bad news last pregnancy that we'd again lost the baby. I feel like this is a huge hurdle we have to get past- once I know that all is well after this appointment, I honestly feel like I'll be able to breathe again. Every day I get closer to this appointment, I feel my anxiety level rise- it's a good thing I don't have a whole lot that MUST be done at work this week, because I doubt I'll be able to concentrate on getting a whole lot accomplished.

Symptom wise, I've certainly FELT pregnant over the past few weeks. Morning (or rather, evening) sickness kicked in around 6w, and got really nasty at 8w, then let up last week, and now, at 10w, is back in full force. Blech. I'm dizzy quite a bit also, especially when I stand up to quickly or have been on my feet for too long- this was one of my biggest symptoms with Aiden, so it does make me feel a little more comfortable that things are going well. My biggest concern is that I bought a home doppler and haven't been able to find the baby's heartbeat yet- I have no trouble finding my own (I'm not sure if I'm picking up the placenta, or what, but I swear I have veins all over the place near my pelvis if that's not what it is!) I'm trying not to freak out, as I am a little bit of a chubby girl, and know that baby isn't very big yet (a prune this week, according to thebump.com!). I hope I can find it before my appointment on Friday- that will help to keep me from hyperventilating in the Dr's office. If they can't find the heartbeat at the Dr's, I will seriously freak out though- I will be demanding an u/s, and if they tell me they can't do it that day, I might very well go spastic!

Anyways, I'm going to make an honest effort to update this more often- one way I can do that is by posting a weekly "update" of sorts that I snagged from another blogger. I figure that I'll put in my belly pics in these updates too, once I have something other than my fat to show off. I didn't do belly pics with Aiden, and I kind of regret it! So I'll make sure to do it this time around, especially since who knows if I'll ever go through this again or not!

How far along: 10w 4days
Total weight gain: Not a pound- I'm down 15 lbs since the beginning of my cycle. I lost 10 with Aiden though, so I'm not worried.
How much does baby weigh: Not much, I'm sure- it's pretty tiny yet!
Maternity clothes: None- one benefit of losing weight is I was down a size, so all my bigger sized clothes are still perfectly comfortable (even if they fall off my butt!)
Stretch marks: Oh, hell, I've had them since high school. I didn't need pregnancy to give me stretch marks!
Sleep: In general I'm sleeping ok- have some crazy dreams though! Even though I get a lot of sleep, I still always feel tired!
Best moment this week: Uhhhh.... nothing really big this week. Next week is my next appointment- I'm nervous for it!
Movement: Nada, still too early!
Food cravings: Cereal, the sweetened, not good for you kind.
Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!
What I miss: Wine, being able to eat dinner without wanting to throw up after taking two bites.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting out of the first trimester, and getting to feel little flutters and kicks!
Milestone: This week will be a big one- 11w is when we found out we m/c'd last time, so it's my mental hurdle to get past this time!

Could this be it???

When I got home from work yesterday, I just couldn't resist POAS. As I sat there, staring at the test, waiting for 3 minutes to pass, I started to see something! I thought, no way, not a chance could this be really a positive test! I opened up the blinds so I could look at it under the bright light from outside- still just a really, really faint line! I keep looking, thinking, no, I have to be crazy! Then I bring the test to Steve and say "Ok, I need your opinion that I'm not crazy." That, of course, got a side-eye look, until he saw what was in my hand. Then, he's like, uh, what am I looking for? Men! Then again, I guess I can't blame him for not being an expert POAS analyzer! Anyways, I point to the T that shows where the test line is supposed to be... and after a moment, he said he saw it too! So I'm not crazy- I'm KNOCKED THE FUCK UP!!!! For those who would like to inspect the pictures themselves, I'll posted them below! Oh, and I tested again today- and there was NO question this time that there was a line, and it's actually pink!

Of course, my RE's office, while usually opened on Saturdays, is closed this weekend because the Dr. is out of town- isn't that just Murphy's law for you! So, I'll have to wait until Monday to get bloodwork drawn. Until then, however, I plan to POAS regularly, and hopefully watch that line get pinker and darker! It has been a year since I last got a positive pregnancy test- I suppose I should be cautious, and not get so excited, because if something happens, it's only going to set me up for greater dissapointment. But, damn it, I'm excited, and I already love this little bean and have faith that THIS is going to be our sticky, healthy little baby!

I've told my nesties the news, and my husband, of course. I'm not quite sure when I'll tell everyone else just yet- We'll probably tell our parents and siblings after we get good betas back and can rule out a chemical pregnancy or really early m/c. I don't think I'll tell work any time soon- I'm up for a full time contract next year, and would like to be offered that before I let them know that I'll be needing some maternity leave! It's going to be REALLY hard for me not to spill the beans to some of my co-workers! They've been such a support throughout this past year, putting up with my hormonal Clomid weeks and being there for me through both of my miscarriages. They've never been rude or asked stupid questions, they've just been there for me. I can't wait to tell Aiden, but I think he'll probably be the last to know. He was with us at the u/s last year when we found out we'd lost our second pregnancy. I think he's almost old enough now that he'd understand more, and I just don't want him to have to deal with that if I can help it.

Alright, without any further ado, my BFP pictures, for the sake of posterity (because I refuse to hold on to something that I peed on for a keepsake- this is what cameras were made for!)

Yesterday's test: Afternoon!

Inverted version- doesn't really help much, unless the pic is huge!

And this is yesterday's test (left) compared to today's test (right).

Stolen from another blog...

But thought this would be interesting to post here! I was given "permission" to steal it, and so I'm giving others permission to do the same! The bold faced items are the ones I have done in my life so far!

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors (some of them, anyway)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Hmm... 46! I'm almost halfway there- though there are a few things on that list that I would be happy to never achieve!

Waiting...

Well, this month is at least a hopeful one- I'm hoping my RE is my lucky charm in getting pregnant! I finally ovulated on the right side, which is pretty well imparative to getting knocked up. We did a trigger shot to make sure I had a strong ovulation, and so that Steve and I could make sure things were "timed" just right.

But now, we wait. I am not a very patient person, I am finding. It is all I can do not to go to the Dollar Store, and buy a bunch of pregnancy tests and pee on them every day! Heck, if I peed on one right now, it would come back positive, because of the trigger shot- that is almost tempting, just because it's been so long since I've seen a positive pregnancy test (of my own, I mean) that I've just about forgotten what one looks like!

I've also discovered this month just how expensive infertility can be- and I'm at the "cheap" end still. Multiple ultrasounds, while lovely for telling you what is going on with your body, do not equal inexpensive! I just hope Clomid will work for us, so that we don't have to spend even more money on more expensive drugs! I need all the thoughts and prayers anyone can spare!

RE Appointment, and hopefully, some answers!

My first appointment with my new RE was on Friday afternoon. I would have updated this sooner, execpt for my lovely little son passed on his flu cooties to me, so I was laid out sick on the couch the past two days! At least I got through my appointment before getting ill.

So, anyways, apparently, I'm a high complexity case- at least that's what my copy of my bill says. That made me laugh a bit- I've always known I was complex, but had never really seen it on paper. It took almost an hour just to get in to see her (our appt was scheduled at 10, but we didn't go back until almost 11!) because they were behind, but, at the end of the day, I feel the wait was worth it, because we had almost an entire hour uninterrupted with Dr. Thie. We discussed my entire medical history, especially that of this past year and a half. She asked if we'd had any testing done to see why we have had repeated miscarriages. I told her that my OB didn't feel it necessary because of how different the two losses were. She said she was going to go ahead and do an RPL panel anyways, just to make sure that we rule anything out that could be trouble when I do get pregnant again. I like proactivity.

I brought up my concerns about not having ovulated on my right ovary yet. She said that she fully agreed that we need me to O on the right, but that two cycles on the left does not justify worrying just yet. If I don't O on the right within the next two cycles, we're going to re-evaluate. She was honest in telling me that because of my one tube, it probably would take longer to get pregnant. At least she's upfront about it, and doesn't try to sugar coat that fact like my OB does, trying to tell me, "Oh, but you can get pregnant from O'ing on your left!" Yeah, and I can win the lottery too, but that hasn't happend yet!

She was concerned that I had never been able to get a + OPK, even when I've tested on the day prior to O. She's wondering if I have a weak LH surge, which isn't going to help the whole getting pregnant thing much. So, this cycle is kind of a "test" cycle. We're seeing if the Met starts to kick in and help me respond better to the Clomid. We're seeing if I can catch a + OPK. We're seeing if I finally O on the right. The good news- she's not going to fool around with this more than three cycles. The next step- trigger shots to make up for the weak LH surge and make me O, possibly different drugs, maybe IUI. I'd really prefer not to have to go the IUI route, mostly because it would be a helluva lot cheaper for us to just keep timing our sex days! She didn't seem too concerned about DH's spermies- didn't want to run a sperm analysis just yet. That will probably be included in the next step too.

But she seemed confident that I will get pregnant soon. That confidence is good. It rubbed off on me a bit. I actually have some hope this cycle.

We also discussed my anxiety and depression issues lately. She brought up anti-depressants, but I just don't feel comfortable being on them while we're trying and if I get pregnant. I know there are some that are approved for use during pregnancy, but forgive me if I don't have full confidence in the FDA's version of "safe". Knowing how critical those first few weeks are to neurological development, I'd prefer not to take something that impacts that.

So, she brought up acupuncture. I've been doing a lot of research on it lately, and would like to at least give it a try. Steve, however, is reluctant, because of how much money he thinks it is going to cost. I honestly think he thought it cost like $600 per session! It's maybe like, $600 for a few months worth of sessions! I tried to pose it to him this way though- if I try it, and it helps get us pregnant quickly, we may have saved thousands in IUI and potential IVF. If it doesn't work, well, we're already in for a bunch of money anyways, so what's the difference at this rate? I love female logic- we can "make" a reason for anything! So, anyway, tomorrow I'm calling and making a consultation appointment. It feels good to actually DO something in this whole process other than take a pill or have sex.

Anxiously awaiting...

I cannot believe it's not Friday yet. Seriously, this week is going S-L-O-W-L-Y! My first RE (reproductive endocrinolgist, for those who don't know my acronyms!) appointment is Friday at 10:00. I am ready for a plan, ready for some answers, ready to get pregnant, finally!

On that "finally note"... I'm trying to not be a bitter person. This is a new goal of mine. But it sure is hard to hear people who have been trying for all of, oh, 3 months, be like "I finally got pregnant, OMG!" Try "finally" when you've been trying for a year and a half (or longer- someone out there will read this and be like, oh, honey, you've got nuttin' on me!). Try "finally" when you've said goodbye to two babies. Try "finally" when your chances of getting pregnant every month are cut in half because you only have one tube and you keep ovulating from that tubeless side! I am beyond ready for my "finally". My buddies are all pregnant, have beautiful bumps, and are planning their nurseries and getting ready for their new little ones- I am so anxious to join them! I can't believe how quickly this past year and a half has passed by- sometimes, I look back on it and want to cry, because I feel like I've wasted so much time, focusing on my lost babies and my struggle with infertility. I wish I could focus less on that, wish I could figure out how. But it is all consuming- my mind is constantly reverting to "If I get pregnant..." or "My babies should have been ____ old today" or whatever other invasive thoughts enter and won't leave!

So, apparently, role models and parents just aren't necessary.

According to Lil'Wayne, that is. I found this quote today while I was reading an article about IVF on Time.com. This is what dude has to say about setting an example for your child:

"If you need an example for how to live, then you just shouldn't have been born. Straight up."
LIL WAYNE, Grammy-nominated rapper, in an interview with CBS's Katie Couric, explaining why despite being a self-proclaimed user of and advocate for marijuana, he doesn't worry about setting a bad example for children, including his own son and daughter.

Wow. I mean, thank you Mr. Lil'Wayne, for the knowledge that no matter what I do to set my kid on the right path, he is going to just turn out how he's going to turn out. I can just beat my husband now, because my son, since he was born, should just know how to live, should know that hitting is wrong. Man, do I feel relieved! I don't have to do ANYTHING anymore! I can just sit on my butt, eating bon bons, and my child will turn out just great, because he wouldn't have been born if he needed an example of how to live.

Now, I am wondering, how, exactly, one thinks that children don't learn by example. Because I know that Aiden mimics my husband and myself- most of the time it's cute, some of the time it's an uncomfortable reflection of some behavior that we need to stop ourselves, especially in front of him. Also, given my knowledge of child development, I happen to know that children learn the most basic of things from their parents, from speech, eating habits, and activity levels, to social rules and decorum.

But, I must say, as a teacher, this quote sure as hell explains a lot. Because some of my students obviously, have parents who would agree with Mr. Wayne, and that is a travesty. I try not to be one of those "our society is going to hell in a handbasket types", but, seriously, our society is going to hell in a handbasket, purely due to piss poor parenting and a lack of education about the importance of teaching our children the basics of how to live in a civilized society. Even more scary, is the thought of knowing that these children, who have never learned by example, are going to wind up pregnant and do the exact same thing with their kids. And until these people who are in positions of wealth and power and influence, be they rap stars, sports legends or whatever, realize that THEY could have a positive impact on people by, wait for it... LEADING BY EXAMPLE... nothing is going to change.

The Force of the Dollar Tree

What is it about the Dollar Tree that makes it impossible to walk out without at least 2 cheapie pregnancy tests? Is there some unseen magnetic force that makes your hand reach out and put the tests in your basket? I know how slim my chances are this cycle, between O'ing really late, and on my tubeless, left side. But still, I torture myself by buying HPT's, and testing before AF comes, because, I am weak. I cannot resist the force. Apparently my Jedi training didn't extend into TTC. At least I'm only 7DPO, so maybe I can talk some sense into myself over the next three days. But then, it only cost a dollar....

Why can't you just be happy with the one you have?

This was the question my father posed to me yesterday, as I was discussing my upcoming RE appointment with my mom. A little background info- he recently lost his job, and he and my mother are in a lot of debt. I think that this is where most of this stems from. Anyways, I was lamenting the fact that our horrible insurance (thank you Anthem) has no infertility coverage, so, while I'm hoping the RE can charge as much as possible to insurance, our actual treatments will be out of pocket. Enter good ol' dad, with his two cents. "Why can't you just be happy with the one you have? Maybe you guys aren't meant to have another. Why would you want to risk going through another miscarriage? You guys should just adopt."

Gee, thanks Dad. This, coming from a man who spawned four children. I don't see them as having been "happy with the one they had," otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this right now! Maybe we aren't meant to have another- but I'm not going to go down on that one without a fight! Yes, IF is expensive, yes, I worry about how we're going to pay for things, especially if we eventually have to go the route of IVF. I don't think we will, but, with only having one tube, and not knowing the condition of that tube, it is a possibility. As far as another miscarriage- two haven't killed me, I somehow doubt 3 or 4 or 14 would. Obviously, I am terrified of losing another baby. But my fear of this is not nearly as great as my desire to have another baby. Not by a long shot. So, as to his final arguement, adoption. Why does everyone think adoption is free? Even if you go through foster care or state agencies, which don't cost as much, you have the potential to get a child who has special needs that will, in the long run, cost considerably more than IVF or other adoption routes. While I teach children with special needs, and love them, and would love my own child if they had special needs, I don't now how I would feel about a child that was not my flesh and blood. Maybe I'm selfish in that regard, I don't know. Part of me feels like a hypocrite and horrible person for thinking it, but the other part of me thinks, "Why not? Why can't I want another healthy, spunky, smart little kid who can give his older brother a run for his money?"

A friend today made the comment that she too, is tired of people telling her that she is wasting her money on IF treatments, and that she should be content with the one she has. I wonder how many women suffering from secondary IF get this exact same comment all the time. Honestly, we're no different from any other woman who has/ desires multiple children. The only difference is, we just need a little extra help to get there. So, if "one should be enough" for me, then one should be enough for EVERY woman- good luck trying to convince people of that!

Hello Blogosphere!

Well, I've finally decided to enter the world of blogging... this ought to be interesting! I have entered a few entries previously on My Space, mostly regarding my beautiful son, Aiden, my engagement and marriage to my wonderful husband, Steve, and the heart wrenching loss of our two angel babies. But this will be my official foray into blogs!

The main reason behind starting this blog is to give myself an outlet for all of the thoughts and insanities that have taken over my mind throughout this past year as we have journeyed from being happy honeymooners to struggling with miscarriage and infertility. To say this past year has been hell would be quite the understatement. I know there are others in this world that have suffered greater things, but, at the end of the day, that does little to minimize the pain and sadness that comes with broken dreams.

So, for those who know nothing about me, a brief (or at least as brief as I can make it!) bio. I met my husband, Steve, about 5 years ago (has it really been that long! WOW!). We met in cyberspace- Match.com is personally responsible for our meeting! Well, that and, despite his horrible spelling and grammar, I saw a great, loving, caring man who I could, potentially, see getting to know and maybe even spending the rest of my life with. Our relationship started off well- we dated about 9 months before things suddenly went awry. He suddenly broke things off. I was angry, of course, and devastated- he had brought up marriage and children, so this seemingly came out of the blue and I was not prepared at all for it. What happened next, I was even less prepared for- I discovered that I was already 3 months pregnant.

I know my husband feels guilty for what happened next- he chose not to support me during the time that I was pregnant with our son. This fact makes the rest of our journey, especially over the past year, that much more painful for both of us- I want him to be able to experience how amazing it is to feel that little baby kick. Fast forward to October, when Aiden joined the world... and Daddy laid eyes on that beautiful little boy. It was all over from there. He visited often, and, eventually, after four uncomfortable months of visits, a couple of arguments, and one e-mail begging for a second chance, I gave in, and realized that I still loved him and wanted to give our relationship another go.

So, the next phase of our relationship was a long distance one- Steve was deployed to Germany, and much of our romancing was done through the wonders of modern technology. Bless the person who invented web cams and free Internet voice/phone service! It was quite some time before we got to see each other in person again. He had some leave time available, and I decided that a trip to Europe would be quite nice, so, thanks to the help of a good friend who had some serious frequent flier miles, I headed to Germany in June. My not being a huge fan of Germany, however, and Steve's desire to get the heck out of Dodge, led us to make a trip to Italy, which would end up being the most amazing vacation of my life! We went to the Cinque Terre and Rome for about 10 days. On our last night in Monterosso, before leaving for Rome the next day, Steve and I went for a walk around the town. He led me out onto a moonlit jetty, with the waves crashing against the rocks behind us, and the facade of the town lit up before us. He asked me if he could ask me something... Completely clueless, my response was, "Yes, why couldn't you?". It was then that he got down on one knee, and asked if I would marry him! Obviously, the response was yes! He had no ring, however, due to the fact that where he'd ordered it from had not delivered it in time. This was no matter though- I told him that we could just pick a ring out together, in Rome, and just return the other. So, after an amazing day of visiting the Pantheon, Trevi Fountain, and the Spanish Steps, we found a little jewelry store and a beautiful, simple ring that just belonged on my finger!

Steve did not return home until almost a year later, in May. I planned our wedding during this time, started house hunting, Aiden grew like a weed, and I also started graduate school, all while working full time. Needless to say, things were a little busy! Upon Steve's return home, we found our home and quickly purchased it, so that we didn't have to live with either of our parents for a moment longer (much as we appreciated their love and support, we needed our own space!).

A month before our wedding, after much deliberation, we decided that we were ready to add to our family. This is where, really, the story of what I will share most on this blog begins. In September, I went off of birth control, and, while we weren't actively "trying", we didn't necessarily avoid either. We married on the 20th of October, and, I was surprised when my period didn't show up around the day of my wedding, because I was expecting it to! I just figured it was crazy cycles from coming off of the pill, but decided to test anyway a few days after the wedding. Imagine my surprise when that digital popped up "pregnant"! I told Steve immediately, and he was absolutely thrilled.

We were scheduled to go on our honeymoon cruise to Mexico two weeks after our wedding- I was, admittedly, a little disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to partake of all of the tequila and margaritas, but, I would survive! Those two weeks were filled with some spotting, and mild cramping, but, I didn't think anything of it, because everything I had read said this was normal. I couldn't really compare it to my pregnancy with Aiden, because I hadn't really known what was going on during my first months of pregnancy with him! The day before we left for the cruise, I started feeling really awful. I had what felt like really severe gas pains, and just felt horrible. My husband asked if I needed to go to the ER, but I brushed it off, thinking it was just another horrible side effect of pregnancy. It was, but just not the benign type of which I was thinking.

I managed to fall asleep that evening, and felt well enough the next day, November 2, to fly. I actually made it all the way to Houston, with a layover in Detroit, before I started feeling bad again. We made it to our hotel, where we planned to stay the night before heading to Galveston to leave for the cruise. I sent my husband off with his friends, who wanted to go a bike rally in Galveston that evening, telling them I just needed to rest and that I would be fine. I barely made it an hour before the bleeding started, and I called him in tears, terrified and devastated, knowing that I was having a miscarriage. Unfortunately, this was not a "typical" miscarriage. I ended up calling 911 and getting transported to the hospital. After sitting for almost six hours, writhing in pain, I was taken into emergency surgery because of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I lost my left tube, and nearly my life- my husband, who in his line of work has seen death before, later told me how terrified he was of losing me that night- apparently, I looked like hell.

Needless to say, we didn't make it on the honeymoon we had planned. We ended up having an "impromptu" one, hanging out in Houston and Galveston until our scheduled flight. I probably could have flown back home, but it was nice to not be there, to not have to deal with my son while I grieved the loss of our baby that we would never know. Not like the grief ended in just that one week, not even close. I don't know that it has ended even today, or ever really will. However, the rawness was starting to heal over after that week, and my little baby's kisses and hugs were just what I needed when we got home.

They say time heals all wounds... and soon enough, we were eager to try again. My doctor asked us to wait until they had done a test to make sure my other tube was not blocked- when that came back clear, we were given the green light to try again. This was in January, and I never got a period in February, nor was I pregnant, as I keep getting negative tests. However, in March, I suddenly got a positive test! We were overjoyed again- we didn't necessarily expect this to happen again so quickly, especially given the reduced odds due to having just one tube. I was cautious at the beginning- I had one incident of spotting, which led me directly to my dr's office. Gone were the days of being able to be hopeful and worry free during the beginning of a pregnancy. They did an ultrasound to check that everything was ok, and to date the pregnancy, and it was then, at 6w4d, we saw a heartbeat! I was certain that THIS baby would stick around, and that my ectopic was just a fluke, just a bit of bad luck. Things were going well, I had the expected nausea and tiredness that come along with pregnancy, and with each passing day, felt more and more confident that things were going to be ok this time.

At my 11 week appointment on April 22, the midwife used the doppler to try to find the heartbeat. She was unable to find it, and, while I tried not to worry too much, knowing that this early it was sometimes hard to find, that hope that I'd had been building up over the past several weeks started to crumble. She scheduled an ultrasound for the next day, just to check and make sure things were ok. I brought along Steve and Aiden, thinking how neat it would be to show Aiden his new brother or sister on the screen, with a little heart just beating away. However, as the nurse started the ultrasound, I could tell that something was very, very wrong. The ultrasound technician went to get the doctor to look at the screen, to confirm what she was seeing, I guess. Bless that woman's heart for having the forsight to take Aiden out of the room with her when the doctor gave us the news. I collapsed into my husbands arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Even though I knew this could happen, I felt so confident after seeing that heartbeat a few weeks prior that nothing would go wrong with this pregnancy. The doctor said it looked like the baby had stopped growing at about 8 weeks, so soon after we'd seen the heartbeat. I felt like it was cruel joke my body was playing on me, to allow my symptoms to continue, to allow me to think I was still pregnant, when, in reality, I was carrying my dead baby around inside of me.

Which leads us to current day. We lost our second angel in April.

It is now February, and I am still not pregnant. After my D&C, I had extrememly long cycles- 65 days, 73 days, and 75 days. My doctor tried Provera, to "reset" my cycle, which didn't work. Then, they decided to put me on Clomid. I didn't ovulate the first cycle when they put me on 50mg. During the ultrasound to see how many follicles had grown due to the Clomid, my doctor pointed out that I had several cysts on my right ovary that indicated I might have polycystic ovarian syndrome, and that he would like to do some more testing. The next cycle, they tried 100mg, and I ovulated, but from my left side. My right side was still full of cysts. Given that I only have a right tube, it is not very helpful if I only ovulate from my left- while it is "possible" to get pregnant, it's pretty improbable. The doctor also said that she didn't particularly like the response I had to the Clomid- my follicle on the scan was much smaller than they would like to see on CD12. Also, she gave the "official" diagnosis of PCOS, and told me that next cycle, she would up my dosage to 150mg, as well as put me on Metformin, which has shown promise in helping women with PCOS regulate their hormones and ovulate regularly. I ovulated even later on 150mg, so the dr's response was to start Clomid earlier, and use it for longer. I, personally, question whether Clomid is even going to work for me at this point, especially given the fact that my right ovary is covered with cysts, and I don't think I will ovulate from that side until they're gone. So, in light of this, I have decided to get a second opinion. I am going to be seeing a reproductive endocrinologist in February, which will, hopefully, provide some answers and a new plan of action to get me knocked up as soon as possible!

So, that is the "scientific" aspect of this past year. As far as the emotional side, I'm pretty sure I probably am suffering from depression- but I refuse to take any sort of medication that could possibly hurt my chances of getting and remaining pregnant. I have enough working against me in this area that I just don't need to tempt fate! I've given up alcohol, caffeine, processed carbohydrates and a lot of sugar, all in the name of having another baby. I take my temperature every morning, look at my chart on Fertility Friend at least 5 times a day, obsess over every twinge that happens below my belly button, and spend my life in two week increments- two weeks waiting to ovulate, two weeks waiting to find out that I am, yet again, not pregnant. I spend money that I don't have on ovulation tests, pregnancy tests (because even though I know I'm not pregnant, I can't resist peeing on a stick!), ultrasounds and medication. The medication, makes me a lunatic- I'm cranky, short tempered, on edge, basically just a right ol' bitch! Everything makes me cry- a commercial for puppies, stress at work, my husband saying the wrong thing or looking at me the wrong way. I feel horrible for him- I know this whole process can't be easy on him either. He carries guilt from not being supportive during my pregnancy with Aiden, and I know he feels like he missed out on so much from that. From the deepest parts of my heart, even more than I want this for myself, I want another baby for HIM, so he can experience this miracle.

So, this was my VERY LONG STORY. I do apologize. I tried to use as few words as possible, though I am the first to admit that I can be rather wordy! I promise, however, that I will NEVER make another blog entry quite this long!