RE Appointment, and hopefully, some answers!

My first appointment with my new RE was on Friday afternoon. I would have updated this sooner, execpt for my lovely little son passed on his flu cooties to me, so I was laid out sick on the couch the past two days! At least I got through my appointment before getting ill.

So, anyways, apparently, I'm a high complexity case- at least that's what my copy of my bill says. That made me laugh a bit- I've always known I was complex, but had never really seen it on paper. It took almost an hour just to get in to see her (our appt was scheduled at 10, but we didn't go back until almost 11!) because they were behind, but, at the end of the day, I feel the wait was worth it, because we had almost an entire hour uninterrupted with Dr. Thie. We discussed my entire medical history, especially that of this past year and a half. She asked if we'd had any testing done to see why we have had repeated miscarriages. I told her that my OB didn't feel it necessary because of how different the two losses were. She said she was going to go ahead and do an RPL panel anyways, just to make sure that we rule anything out that could be trouble when I do get pregnant again. I like proactivity.

I brought up my concerns about not having ovulated on my right ovary yet. She said that she fully agreed that we need me to O on the right, but that two cycles on the left does not justify worrying just yet. If I don't O on the right within the next two cycles, we're going to re-evaluate. She was honest in telling me that because of my one tube, it probably would take longer to get pregnant. At least she's upfront about it, and doesn't try to sugar coat that fact like my OB does, trying to tell me, "Oh, but you can get pregnant from O'ing on your left!" Yeah, and I can win the lottery too, but that hasn't happend yet!

She was concerned that I had never been able to get a + OPK, even when I've tested on the day prior to O. She's wondering if I have a weak LH surge, which isn't going to help the whole getting pregnant thing much. So, this cycle is kind of a "test" cycle. We're seeing if the Met starts to kick in and help me respond better to the Clomid. We're seeing if I can catch a + OPK. We're seeing if I finally O on the right. The good news- she's not going to fool around with this more than three cycles. The next step- trigger shots to make up for the weak LH surge and make me O, possibly different drugs, maybe IUI. I'd really prefer not to have to go the IUI route, mostly because it would be a helluva lot cheaper for us to just keep timing our sex days! She didn't seem too concerned about DH's spermies- didn't want to run a sperm analysis just yet. That will probably be included in the next step too.

But she seemed confident that I will get pregnant soon. That confidence is good. It rubbed off on me a bit. I actually have some hope this cycle.

We also discussed my anxiety and depression issues lately. She brought up anti-depressants, but I just don't feel comfortable being on them while we're trying and if I get pregnant. I know there are some that are approved for use during pregnancy, but forgive me if I don't have full confidence in the FDA's version of "safe". Knowing how critical those first few weeks are to neurological development, I'd prefer not to take something that impacts that.

So, she brought up acupuncture. I've been doing a lot of research on it lately, and would like to at least give it a try. Steve, however, is reluctant, because of how much money he thinks it is going to cost. I honestly think he thought it cost like $600 per session! It's maybe like, $600 for a few months worth of sessions! I tried to pose it to him this way though- if I try it, and it helps get us pregnant quickly, we may have saved thousands in IUI and potential IVF. If it doesn't work, well, we're already in for a bunch of money anyways, so what's the difference at this rate? I love female logic- we can "make" a reason for anything! So, anyway, tomorrow I'm calling and making a consultation appointment. It feels good to actually DO something in this whole process other than take a pill or have sex.

Anxiously awaiting...

I cannot believe it's not Friday yet. Seriously, this week is going S-L-O-W-L-Y! My first RE (reproductive endocrinolgist, for those who don't know my acronyms!) appointment is Friday at 10:00. I am ready for a plan, ready for some answers, ready to get pregnant, finally!

On that "finally note"... I'm trying to not be a bitter person. This is a new goal of mine. But it sure is hard to hear people who have been trying for all of, oh, 3 months, be like "I finally got pregnant, OMG!" Try "finally" when you've been trying for a year and a half (or longer- someone out there will read this and be like, oh, honey, you've got nuttin' on me!). Try "finally" when you've said goodbye to two babies. Try "finally" when your chances of getting pregnant every month are cut in half because you only have one tube and you keep ovulating from that tubeless side! I am beyond ready for my "finally". My buddies are all pregnant, have beautiful bumps, and are planning their nurseries and getting ready for their new little ones- I am so anxious to join them! I can't believe how quickly this past year and a half has passed by- sometimes, I look back on it and want to cry, because I feel like I've wasted so much time, focusing on my lost babies and my struggle with infertility. I wish I could focus less on that, wish I could figure out how. But it is all consuming- my mind is constantly reverting to "If I get pregnant..." or "My babies should have been ____ old today" or whatever other invasive thoughts enter and won't leave!

So, apparently, role models and parents just aren't necessary.

According to Lil'Wayne, that is. I found this quote today while I was reading an article about IVF on Time.com. This is what dude has to say about setting an example for your child:

"If you need an example for how to live, then you just shouldn't have been born. Straight up."
LIL WAYNE, Grammy-nominated rapper, in an interview with CBS's Katie Couric, explaining why despite being a self-proclaimed user of and advocate for marijuana, he doesn't worry about setting a bad example for children, including his own son and daughter.

Wow. I mean, thank you Mr. Lil'Wayne, for the knowledge that no matter what I do to set my kid on the right path, he is going to just turn out how he's going to turn out. I can just beat my husband now, because my son, since he was born, should just know how to live, should know that hitting is wrong. Man, do I feel relieved! I don't have to do ANYTHING anymore! I can just sit on my butt, eating bon bons, and my child will turn out just great, because he wouldn't have been born if he needed an example of how to live.

Now, I am wondering, how, exactly, one thinks that children don't learn by example. Because I know that Aiden mimics my husband and myself- most of the time it's cute, some of the time it's an uncomfortable reflection of some behavior that we need to stop ourselves, especially in front of him. Also, given my knowledge of child development, I happen to know that children learn the most basic of things from their parents, from speech, eating habits, and activity levels, to social rules and decorum.

But, I must say, as a teacher, this quote sure as hell explains a lot. Because some of my students obviously, have parents who would agree with Mr. Wayne, and that is a travesty. I try not to be one of those "our society is going to hell in a handbasket types", but, seriously, our society is going to hell in a handbasket, purely due to piss poor parenting and a lack of education about the importance of teaching our children the basics of how to live in a civilized society. Even more scary, is the thought of knowing that these children, who have never learned by example, are going to wind up pregnant and do the exact same thing with their kids. And until these people who are in positions of wealth and power and influence, be they rap stars, sports legends or whatever, realize that THEY could have a positive impact on people by, wait for it... LEADING BY EXAMPLE... nothing is going to change.

The Force of the Dollar Tree

What is it about the Dollar Tree that makes it impossible to walk out without at least 2 cheapie pregnancy tests? Is there some unseen magnetic force that makes your hand reach out and put the tests in your basket? I know how slim my chances are this cycle, between O'ing really late, and on my tubeless, left side. But still, I torture myself by buying HPT's, and testing before AF comes, because, I am weak. I cannot resist the force. Apparently my Jedi training didn't extend into TTC. At least I'm only 7DPO, so maybe I can talk some sense into myself over the next three days. But then, it only cost a dollar....

Why can't you just be happy with the one you have?

This was the question my father posed to me yesterday, as I was discussing my upcoming RE appointment with my mom. A little background info- he recently lost his job, and he and my mother are in a lot of debt. I think that this is where most of this stems from. Anyways, I was lamenting the fact that our horrible insurance (thank you Anthem) has no infertility coverage, so, while I'm hoping the RE can charge as much as possible to insurance, our actual treatments will be out of pocket. Enter good ol' dad, with his two cents. "Why can't you just be happy with the one you have? Maybe you guys aren't meant to have another. Why would you want to risk going through another miscarriage? You guys should just adopt."

Gee, thanks Dad. This, coming from a man who spawned four children. I don't see them as having been "happy with the one they had," otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this right now! Maybe we aren't meant to have another- but I'm not going to go down on that one without a fight! Yes, IF is expensive, yes, I worry about how we're going to pay for things, especially if we eventually have to go the route of IVF. I don't think we will, but, with only having one tube, and not knowing the condition of that tube, it is a possibility. As far as another miscarriage- two haven't killed me, I somehow doubt 3 or 4 or 14 would. Obviously, I am terrified of losing another baby. But my fear of this is not nearly as great as my desire to have another baby. Not by a long shot. So, as to his final arguement, adoption. Why does everyone think adoption is free? Even if you go through foster care or state agencies, which don't cost as much, you have the potential to get a child who has special needs that will, in the long run, cost considerably more than IVF or other adoption routes. While I teach children with special needs, and love them, and would love my own child if they had special needs, I don't now how I would feel about a child that was not my flesh and blood. Maybe I'm selfish in that regard, I don't know. Part of me feels like a hypocrite and horrible person for thinking it, but the other part of me thinks, "Why not? Why can't I want another healthy, spunky, smart little kid who can give his older brother a run for his money?"

A friend today made the comment that she too, is tired of people telling her that she is wasting her money on IF treatments, and that she should be content with the one she has. I wonder how many women suffering from secondary IF get this exact same comment all the time. Honestly, we're no different from any other woman who has/ desires multiple children. The only difference is, we just need a little extra help to get there. So, if "one should be enough" for me, then one should be enough for EVERY woman- good luck trying to convince people of that!