Could this be it???

When I got home from work yesterday, I just couldn't resist POAS. As I sat there, staring at the test, waiting for 3 minutes to pass, I started to see something! I thought, no way, not a chance could this be really a positive test! I opened up the blinds so I could look at it under the bright light from outside- still just a really, really faint line! I keep looking, thinking, no, I have to be crazy! Then I bring the test to Steve and say "Ok, I need your opinion that I'm not crazy." That, of course, got a side-eye look, until he saw what was in my hand. Then, he's like, uh, what am I looking for? Men! Then again, I guess I can't blame him for not being an expert POAS analyzer! Anyways, I point to the T that shows where the test line is supposed to be... and after a moment, he said he saw it too! So I'm not crazy- I'm KNOCKED THE FUCK UP!!!! For those who would like to inspect the pictures themselves, I'll posted them below! Oh, and I tested again today- and there was NO question this time that there was a line, and it's actually pink!

Of course, my RE's office, while usually opened on Saturdays, is closed this weekend because the Dr. is out of town- isn't that just Murphy's law for you! So, I'll have to wait until Monday to get bloodwork drawn. Until then, however, I plan to POAS regularly, and hopefully watch that line get pinker and darker! It has been a year since I last got a positive pregnancy test- I suppose I should be cautious, and not get so excited, because if something happens, it's only going to set me up for greater dissapointment. But, damn it, I'm excited, and I already love this little bean and have faith that THIS is going to be our sticky, healthy little baby!

I've told my nesties the news, and my husband, of course. I'm not quite sure when I'll tell everyone else just yet- We'll probably tell our parents and siblings after we get good betas back and can rule out a chemical pregnancy or really early m/c. I don't think I'll tell work any time soon- I'm up for a full time contract next year, and would like to be offered that before I let them know that I'll be needing some maternity leave! It's going to be REALLY hard for me not to spill the beans to some of my co-workers! They've been such a support throughout this past year, putting up with my hormonal Clomid weeks and being there for me through both of my miscarriages. They've never been rude or asked stupid questions, they've just been there for me. I can't wait to tell Aiden, but I think he'll probably be the last to know. He was with us at the u/s last year when we found out we'd lost our second pregnancy. I think he's almost old enough now that he'd understand more, and I just don't want him to have to deal with that if I can help it.

Alright, without any further ado, my BFP pictures, for the sake of posterity (because I refuse to hold on to something that I peed on for a keepsake- this is what cameras were made for!)

Yesterday's test: Afternoon!

Inverted version- doesn't really help much, unless the pic is huge!

And this is yesterday's test (left) compared to today's test (right).

Stolen from another blog...

But thought this would be interesting to post here! I was given "permission" to steal it, and so I'm giving others permission to do the same! The bold faced items are the ones I have done in my life so far!

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors (some of them, anyway)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Hmm... 46! I'm almost halfway there- though there are a few things on that list that I would be happy to never achieve!

Waiting...

Well, this month is at least a hopeful one- I'm hoping my RE is my lucky charm in getting pregnant! I finally ovulated on the right side, which is pretty well imparative to getting knocked up. We did a trigger shot to make sure I had a strong ovulation, and so that Steve and I could make sure things were "timed" just right.

But now, we wait. I am not a very patient person, I am finding. It is all I can do not to go to the Dollar Store, and buy a bunch of pregnancy tests and pee on them every day! Heck, if I peed on one right now, it would come back positive, because of the trigger shot- that is almost tempting, just because it's been so long since I've seen a positive pregnancy test (of my own, I mean) that I've just about forgotten what one looks like!

I've also discovered this month just how expensive infertility can be- and I'm at the "cheap" end still. Multiple ultrasounds, while lovely for telling you what is going on with your body, do not equal inexpensive! I just hope Clomid will work for us, so that we don't have to spend even more money on more expensive drugs! I need all the thoughts and prayers anyone can spare!

RE Appointment, and hopefully, some answers!

My first appointment with my new RE was on Friday afternoon. I would have updated this sooner, execpt for my lovely little son passed on his flu cooties to me, so I was laid out sick on the couch the past two days! At least I got through my appointment before getting ill.

So, anyways, apparently, I'm a high complexity case- at least that's what my copy of my bill says. That made me laugh a bit- I've always known I was complex, but had never really seen it on paper. It took almost an hour just to get in to see her (our appt was scheduled at 10, but we didn't go back until almost 11!) because they were behind, but, at the end of the day, I feel the wait was worth it, because we had almost an entire hour uninterrupted with Dr. Thie. We discussed my entire medical history, especially that of this past year and a half. She asked if we'd had any testing done to see why we have had repeated miscarriages. I told her that my OB didn't feel it necessary because of how different the two losses were. She said she was going to go ahead and do an RPL panel anyways, just to make sure that we rule anything out that could be trouble when I do get pregnant again. I like proactivity.

I brought up my concerns about not having ovulated on my right ovary yet. She said that she fully agreed that we need me to O on the right, but that two cycles on the left does not justify worrying just yet. If I don't O on the right within the next two cycles, we're going to re-evaluate. She was honest in telling me that because of my one tube, it probably would take longer to get pregnant. At least she's upfront about it, and doesn't try to sugar coat that fact like my OB does, trying to tell me, "Oh, but you can get pregnant from O'ing on your left!" Yeah, and I can win the lottery too, but that hasn't happend yet!

She was concerned that I had never been able to get a + OPK, even when I've tested on the day prior to O. She's wondering if I have a weak LH surge, which isn't going to help the whole getting pregnant thing much. So, this cycle is kind of a "test" cycle. We're seeing if the Met starts to kick in and help me respond better to the Clomid. We're seeing if I can catch a + OPK. We're seeing if I finally O on the right. The good news- she's not going to fool around with this more than three cycles. The next step- trigger shots to make up for the weak LH surge and make me O, possibly different drugs, maybe IUI. I'd really prefer not to have to go the IUI route, mostly because it would be a helluva lot cheaper for us to just keep timing our sex days! She didn't seem too concerned about DH's spermies- didn't want to run a sperm analysis just yet. That will probably be included in the next step too.

But she seemed confident that I will get pregnant soon. That confidence is good. It rubbed off on me a bit. I actually have some hope this cycle.

We also discussed my anxiety and depression issues lately. She brought up anti-depressants, but I just don't feel comfortable being on them while we're trying and if I get pregnant. I know there are some that are approved for use during pregnancy, but forgive me if I don't have full confidence in the FDA's version of "safe". Knowing how critical those first few weeks are to neurological development, I'd prefer not to take something that impacts that.

So, she brought up acupuncture. I've been doing a lot of research on it lately, and would like to at least give it a try. Steve, however, is reluctant, because of how much money he thinks it is going to cost. I honestly think he thought it cost like $600 per session! It's maybe like, $600 for a few months worth of sessions! I tried to pose it to him this way though- if I try it, and it helps get us pregnant quickly, we may have saved thousands in IUI and potential IVF. If it doesn't work, well, we're already in for a bunch of money anyways, so what's the difference at this rate? I love female logic- we can "make" a reason for anything! So, anyway, tomorrow I'm calling and making a consultation appointment. It feels good to actually DO something in this whole process other than take a pill or have sex.

Anxiously awaiting...

I cannot believe it's not Friday yet. Seriously, this week is going S-L-O-W-L-Y! My first RE (reproductive endocrinolgist, for those who don't know my acronyms!) appointment is Friday at 10:00. I am ready for a plan, ready for some answers, ready to get pregnant, finally!

On that "finally note"... I'm trying to not be a bitter person. This is a new goal of mine. But it sure is hard to hear people who have been trying for all of, oh, 3 months, be like "I finally got pregnant, OMG!" Try "finally" when you've been trying for a year and a half (or longer- someone out there will read this and be like, oh, honey, you've got nuttin' on me!). Try "finally" when you've said goodbye to two babies. Try "finally" when your chances of getting pregnant every month are cut in half because you only have one tube and you keep ovulating from that tubeless side! I am beyond ready for my "finally". My buddies are all pregnant, have beautiful bumps, and are planning their nurseries and getting ready for their new little ones- I am so anxious to join them! I can't believe how quickly this past year and a half has passed by- sometimes, I look back on it and want to cry, because I feel like I've wasted so much time, focusing on my lost babies and my struggle with infertility. I wish I could focus less on that, wish I could figure out how. But it is all consuming- my mind is constantly reverting to "If I get pregnant..." or "My babies should have been ____ old today" or whatever other invasive thoughts enter and won't leave!

So, apparently, role models and parents just aren't necessary.

According to Lil'Wayne, that is. I found this quote today while I was reading an article about IVF on Time.com. This is what dude has to say about setting an example for your child:

"If you need an example for how to live, then you just shouldn't have been born. Straight up."
LIL WAYNE, Grammy-nominated rapper, in an interview with CBS's Katie Couric, explaining why despite being a self-proclaimed user of and advocate for marijuana, he doesn't worry about setting a bad example for children, including his own son and daughter.

Wow. I mean, thank you Mr. Lil'Wayne, for the knowledge that no matter what I do to set my kid on the right path, he is going to just turn out how he's going to turn out. I can just beat my husband now, because my son, since he was born, should just know how to live, should know that hitting is wrong. Man, do I feel relieved! I don't have to do ANYTHING anymore! I can just sit on my butt, eating bon bons, and my child will turn out just great, because he wouldn't have been born if he needed an example of how to live.

Now, I am wondering, how, exactly, one thinks that children don't learn by example. Because I know that Aiden mimics my husband and myself- most of the time it's cute, some of the time it's an uncomfortable reflection of some behavior that we need to stop ourselves, especially in front of him. Also, given my knowledge of child development, I happen to know that children learn the most basic of things from their parents, from speech, eating habits, and activity levels, to social rules and decorum.

But, I must say, as a teacher, this quote sure as hell explains a lot. Because some of my students obviously, have parents who would agree with Mr. Wayne, and that is a travesty. I try not to be one of those "our society is going to hell in a handbasket types", but, seriously, our society is going to hell in a handbasket, purely due to piss poor parenting and a lack of education about the importance of teaching our children the basics of how to live in a civilized society. Even more scary, is the thought of knowing that these children, who have never learned by example, are going to wind up pregnant and do the exact same thing with their kids. And until these people who are in positions of wealth and power and influence, be they rap stars, sports legends or whatever, realize that THEY could have a positive impact on people by, wait for it... LEADING BY EXAMPLE... nothing is going to change.

The Force of the Dollar Tree

What is it about the Dollar Tree that makes it impossible to walk out without at least 2 cheapie pregnancy tests? Is there some unseen magnetic force that makes your hand reach out and put the tests in your basket? I know how slim my chances are this cycle, between O'ing really late, and on my tubeless, left side. But still, I torture myself by buying HPT's, and testing before AF comes, because, I am weak. I cannot resist the force. Apparently my Jedi training didn't extend into TTC. At least I'm only 7DPO, so maybe I can talk some sense into myself over the next three days. But then, it only cost a dollar....