Grow, belly (and baby), Grow!

So, in honor of the fact that I can now actually feel an actual baby bump in my tummy, I figured it's high time I did some belly pics. I'm not the littlest of girls, so I generally always look a little on the pregnant side, to be honest, but that's only if I'm not standing with good posture. I can no longer just suck in my pregnant gut, so I figure it is actually considered a bump now. So, here it is, my 15w belly!

How far along: 15w 3days


Total weight gain: Uh, so yeah, was at 198 last time... am back at 196. I'm eating, I'm doing all I can, but just don't seem to be gaining much weight yet. Oh well, still plenty of time!


How much does baby weigh: Dunno. Bump.com says it's an avocado this week. Mmmm, guacamole baby!


Maternity clothes: Bought some cute new ones last week- still don't look pregnant in them though!


Stretch marks: Getting tired of this question- just going to leave up this standard answer- had 'em for years.


Sleep: Still pretty tired, but not nearly as much as a few weeks ago. Just this week it's been getting uncomfortable to sleep on the belly- bought me a Snoogle, so I'm hoping that helps me sleep better!


Best moment this week: Noticing that I had an actual, true "bump" when lying down- baby has taken up residence just under my belly button!


Movement: Very, very subtle- subtle enough to make me think I'm just imagining it (but the doppler confirmed it, b/c I felt baby move same time as I heard it kick the doppler!)


Food cravings: Uhh... strawberries. Easy Cheese. Ice cream. And I saw the word pickles the other day, and just about opened the jar in the store, but by the time I got home, I didn't want a pickle anymore. Very random!


Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!


What I miss: Alcoholic beverages... It's going to suck not being able to drink this summer!


What I'm looking forward to: 20w ultrasound- can't wait to figure out what this little one is!


Milestone: Uh.. I'm over 1/3 of the way there? Nothing exciting at this moment!

Our little peanut!

It's about time for an update, and I have something great to add today! I had an ultrasound yesterday afternoon, and we got to see our little one again, finally looking like a baby rather than just a blip on the screen! When the ultrasound tech first put the probe on, the baby was still because he/she was sleeping. The tech wiggled the probe around a bit to wake her up, and we got some terrific shots! I only have one scanned as of right now, so I'll post it, but I'll probably add some of the others later!



Anyways, baby was measuring about 3 days ahead, which is fantastic (keep growing strong little one!!!). Everything looked good as far as we could tell! We asked the technician if she could check and see the gender and take a guess. She said that she'd been seeing a lot of little boy parts lately, but didn't see anything dangling on our little one! It's far to early to go out and buy pink, but I'm definitely excited at the prospect of having a little girl! We would SO be done with this babymaking nonsense if that is the case! Snip, snip, hubby!



Well, without further ado, here is our little one!

And, my "weekly" that is really not so weekly, seeing as how I haven't done it in 3 weeks update...
How far along: 13w 3days
Total weight gain: I'm starting to gain some weight back, finally. I was at 194 at my lightest, and the scale read 198 today, so 4 lbs so far?
How much does baby weigh: Not much, I'm sure- it's pretty tiny yet! The tech said he/she was 3 inches long though!
Maternity clothes: Have broken down and finally started wearing them- some of the pants that fit just right last week are definitely on the tight side this week!
Stretch marks: Oh, hell, I've had them since high school. I didn't need pregnancy to give me stretch marks!
Sleep: Still feel tired all the time, have been waking up a lot in the middle of the night, not to pee or anything, just randomly waking up. It's annoying!
Best moment this week: Getting to see our little one again!
Movement: None yet, though I feel my ute expanding, and sometimes feel flutteryness that I can't determine if it's just gas (probably) or actually movement. I know I'll probably feel it earlier this time, just b/c I know what I'm looking for!
Food cravings: No cravings, but I can FINALLY eat again! Meat doesn't make me want to hurl anymore!
Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!
What I miss: Alcoholic beverages... It's going to suck not being able to drink this summer!
What I'm looking forward to: Feeling the baby move- it will be so reassuring!
Milestone: Today is my first official day in the second trimester! I've made it past the biggest danger of miscarriage!

Happy Mother's Day!

What a difference a year makes! This has been a wonderful Mother's day, and while I received a wonderful gift from Aiden and Steve, and had a great breakfast with my family, and got to spend a little "me" time in the garden, those things aren't what made this day so great. What made this day fantastic is the knowledge that this year, rather than recovering from a D&C and the emotional pain of a miscarriage, I am instead carrying a baby that, God willing, is going to join our family in just 6 short months.

Last year was so difficult- I was not only mourning our most recent loss, but also the baby we had lost back in November. While I am eternally grateful for my sweet little man, and the blessing that God has given me to be able to be his mother, even today, I miss the two babies that God took with him to heaven. I don't think a Mother's day will ever pass that I won't think of Ethan and Hope. Hope would have been a year old in just a month... Ethan would have been 6 months.

One of my all time favorite character is Anne from Anne of Green Gables. In Anne's House of Dreams, she gives birth to a baby at dawn, but the baby doesn't make it, and passes away at dusk. While I have not lost a baby at full term, I can't imagine a more painful experince for a mother to have to go through. Yet, from that book, one quote stands out in my head that I keep dear to my heart- Anne, upon the birth of her second, healthy child, is told by a family member that "this baby will take place of the first". Anne replies that this baby is no replacement, but merely it's own person. She then goes on to say that she has followed her first baby through it's whole first year of life, watching her learn to sit up, and walk, and grow. I feel the same way about my babies- I will always have this vision of who they are to become in my mind, and I can watch them grow. When that day comes that I can see my babies in heaven, they won't be strangers to me, because I've been their mother, even though they're so far away.

So to all those mommies out there, whether your babies are in your arms, or just in your hearts, I wish the happiest of Mother's Day's to you.

I'm a bad blogger...

I haven't updated this since I got my positive pregnancy test! Now, in my defense, life has just been crazy and it's not been on my mind! But, I'll catch up on most of what has happened over the past month!

Beta's came back great- 167 at 13dpo, 485 at 15 dpo. Had an u/s at 6w1d, baby was measuring a day ahead. Had a second u/s at 8w1d, baby measured right on target and had a good strong heartbeat. My next appointment is this upcoming Friday, May 8th. I would like to say that since we've had two good u/s, I'm confident that all will be fine at that appointment. However, I'll be 11w, and 11w was when we got the bad news last pregnancy that we'd again lost the baby. I feel like this is a huge hurdle we have to get past- once I know that all is well after this appointment, I honestly feel like I'll be able to breathe again. Every day I get closer to this appointment, I feel my anxiety level rise- it's a good thing I don't have a whole lot that MUST be done at work this week, because I doubt I'll be able to concentrate on getting a whole lot accomplished.

Symptom wise, I've certainly FELT pregnant over the past few weeks. Morning (or rather, evening) sickness kicked in around 6w, and got really nasty at 8w, then let up last week, and now, at 10w, is back in full force. Blech. I'm dizzy quite a bit also, especially when I stand up to quickly or have been on my feet for too long- this was one of my biggest symptoms with Aiden, so it does make me feel a little more comfortable that things are going well. My biggest concern is that I bought a home doppler and haven't been able to find the baby's heartbeat yet- I have no trouble finding my own (I'm not sure if I'm picking up the placenta, or what, but I swear I have veins all over the place near my pelvis if that's not what it is!) I'm trying not to freak out, as I am a little bit of a chubby girl, and know that baby isn't very big yet (a prune this week, according to thebump.com!). I hope I can find it before my appointment on Friday- that will help to keep me from hyperventilating in the Dr's office. If they can't find the heartbeat at the Dr's, I will seriously freak out though- I will be demanding an u/s, and if they tell me they can't do it that day, I might very well go spastic!

Anyways, I'm going to make an honest effort to update this more often- one way I can do that is by posting a weekly "update" of sorts that I snagged from another blogger. I figure that I'll put in my belly pics in these updates too, once I have something other than my fat to show off. I didn't do belly pics with Aiden, and I kind of regret it! So I'll make sure to do it this time around, especially since who knows if I'll ever go through this again or not!

How far along: 10w 4days
Total weight gain: Not a pound- I'm down 15 lbs since the beginning of my cycle. I lost 10 with Aiden though, so I'm not worried.
How much does baby weigh: Not much, I'm sure- it's pretty tiny yet!
Maternity clothes: None- one benefit of losing weight is I was down a size, so all my bigger sized clothes are still perfectly comfortable (even if they fall off my butt!)
Stretch marks: Oh, hell, I've had them since high school. I didn't need pregnancy to give me stretch marks!
Sleep: In general I'm sleeping ok- have some crazy dreams though! Even though I get a lot of sleep, I still always feel tired!
Best moment this week: Uhhhh.... nothing really big this week. Next week is my next appointment- I'm nervous for it!
Movement: Nada, still too early!
Food cravings: Cereal, the sweetened, not good for you kind.
Belly button in or out: Still an innie- never popped out with DS, so probably won't this time either!
What I miss: Wine, being able to eat dinner without wanting to throw up after taking two bites.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting out of the first trimester, and getting to feel little flutters and kicks!
Milestone: This week will be a big one- 11w is when we found out we m/c'd last time, so it's my mental hurdle to get past this time!

Could this be it???

When I got home from work yesterday, I just couldn't resist POAS. As I sat there, staring at the test, waiting for 3 minutes to pass, I started to see something! I thought, no way, not a chance could this be really a positive test! I opened up the blinds so I could look at it under the bright light from outside- still just a really, really faint line! I keep looking, thinking, no, I have to be crazy! Then I bring the test to Steve and say "Ok, I need your opinion that I'm not crazy." That, of course, got a side-eye look, until he saw what was in my hand. Then, he's like, uh, what am I looking for? Men! Then again, I guess I can't blame him for not being an expert POAS analyzer! Anyways, I point to the T that shows where the test line is supposed to be... and after a moment, he said he saw it too! So I'm not crazy- I'm KNOCKED THE FUCK UP!!!! For those who would like to inspect the pictures themselves, I'll posted them below! Oh, and I tested again today- and there was NO question this time that there was a line, and it's actually pink!

Of course, my RE's office, while usually opened on Saturdays, is closed this weekend because the Dr. is out of town- isn't that just Murphy's law for you! So, I'll have to wait until Monday to get bloodwork drawn. Until then, however, I plan to POAS regularly, and hopefully watch that line get pinker and darker! It has been a year since I last got a positive pregnancy test- I suppose I should be cautious, and not get so excited, because if something happens, it's only going to set me up for greater dissapointment. But, damn it, I'm excited, and I already love this little bean and have faith that THIS is going to be our sticky, healthy little baby!

I've told my nesties the news, and my husband, of course. I'm not quite sure when I'll tell everyone else just yet- We'll probably tell our parents and siblings after we get good betas back and can rule out a chemical pregnancy or really early m/c. I don't think I'll tell work any time soon- I'm up for a full time contract next year, and would like to be offered that before I let them know that I'll be needing some maternity leave! It's going to be REALLY hard for me not to spill the beans to some of my co-workers! They've been such a support throughout this past year, putting up with my hormonal Clomid weeks and being there for me through both of my miscarriages. They've never been rude or asked stupid questions, they've just been there for me. I can't wait to tell Aiden, but I think he'll probably be the last to know. He was with us at the u/s last year when we found out we'd lost our second pregnancy. I think he's almost old enough now that he'd understand more, and I just don't want him to have to deal with that if I can help it.

Alright, without any further ado, my BFP pictures, for the sake of posterity (because I refuse to hold on to something that I peed on for a keepsake- this is what cameras were made for!)

Yesterday's test: Afternoon!

Inverted version- doesn't really help much, unless the pic is huge!

And this is yesterday's test (left) compared to today's test (right).

Stolen from another blog...

But thought this would be interesting to post here! I was given "permission" to steal it, and so I'm giving others permission to do the same! The bold faced items are the ones I have done in my life so far!

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors (some of them, anyway)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Hmm... 46! I'm almost halfway there- though there are a few things on that list that I would be happy to never achieve!

Waiting...

Well, this month is at least a hopeful one- I'm hoping my RE is my lucky charm in getting pregnant! I finally ovulated on the right side, which is pretty well imparative to getting knocked up. We did a trigger shot to make sure I had a strong ovulation, and so that Steve and I could make sure things were "timed" just right.

But now, we wait. I am not a very patient person, I am finding. It is all I can do not to go to the Dollar Store, and buy a bunch of pregnancy tests and pee on them every day! Heck, if I peed on one right now, it would come back positive, because of the trigger shot- that is almost tempting, just because it's been so long since I've seen a positive pregnancy test (of my own, I mean) that I've just about forgotten what one looks like!

I've also discovered this month just how expensive infertility can be- and I'm at the "cheap" end still. Multiple ultrasounds, while lovely for telling you what is going on with your body, do not equal inexpensive! I just hope Clomid will work for us, so that we don't have to spend even more money on more expensive drugs! I need all the thoughts and prayers anyone can spare!